Collin Xavier Coloura

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

"What If"?

As I've stated many times since losing Collin, "what if" will be a question that haunts me until the end of my life.  I think it's natural for any mother to ask "what if" something could  have been different? What if I had demanded that the doctor come in to see me on that Saturday?  What if the doctor had diagnosed my pre-eclampsia prior to his death? What if my doctor had been on call? What if I had listened to the nurse and gone home and "performed my marital duties' as suggested? What if I had gone back the next day when I had  horrible intuition about something being wrong with Collin? What if you were born alive? Would my life be normal, because my new life has a whole different meaning of "normalcy" these days.  Ha, "normalcy"-that's to be discussed in a later blog post.

A co-worker of my mothers had the audacity to ask her "if I'm over it yet because it's been enough time and I have four other children"? In response she was asked "what if you had to choose one of your kids to send to heaven, which one would you choose?"  She was dumbfounded.  Of course she couldn't choose one of her own children to die.  What parent could? So, why is it expected of me to "get over it" just because my son was a stillborn baby? Is his life any less important than that of my four other living children? I think not! He was created out of love. He was deeply wanted and anticipated.  I protected him for 38 weeks and I grew to know his personality even as he grew inside my belly.  How could I love him any less than my other four? I understand that not everyone feels that I should "be over it" by now, but you'll always run across the few ignorant people who  deem a  baby's death as less horrific or significant than an older child's death.  Either is any parent's worst nightmare and hell to live through.  Until someone has actually lost a child, they have no conception of what it is like. 

I calmed down and asked myself another very powerful "what if" question.  "what if I could do it all over again, would I"? Of course I wish the outcome could have been totally different, but given the choice between losing Collin or never have been pregnant with him to begin with; what would I choose"? Had I never been pregnant with Collin it would certainly spare me and my family a lifetime of pain. But, plainly stated, if I chose the latter then I wouldn't have the privilege of being HIS mother , knowing him and loving him unconditionally.  Even though he was born "sleeping", I cherished every second I spent with him.  Because of the circumstances I had to love him enough in that little amount of time to tide me over until I meet him again someday. Imagine having to love your child for only hours. That's how much time we were given to shower him with affection.  I wholeheartedly wish that I could have  HIM now, but God has chosen him for a purpose beyond our comprehension.  He is a perfectly formed angel called by God to fullfill a greater mission.  I am proud to call Collin Xavier my son, my fifth child. He is loved as much as each one of his brothers and sisters.  None of their lives or his are any more significant than the other.  So when I'm asked "what if" you'd never been pregnant.....then I have to say-I'd do it again in a heartbeat even if it means I have to spend the rest of my life living with my grief.  I don't want to survive my grief, I want to learn to live with it, because that grief is proof of my abounding love for a child that I'll never know.

Tiny AngelsTiny Angels rest your wings
sit with me for awhile.
How I long to hold your hand,
And see your tender smile.
Tiny Angel, look at me,
I want this image clear....
That I will forget your precious face
Is my biggest fear.
Tiny Angel can you tell me,
Why you have gone away?
You weren't here for very long....
Why is it, you couldn't stay?
Tiny Angel shook his head,
"These things I do not know....
But I do know that you love me,
And that I love you so".

Author Unknown

1 comment:

  1. Collin is so beautiful and the picture of you and Collin is beautiful but heartbreaking. I am so, so sorry for your loss. I know he would have had a wonderful life with you.

    I have gone over and over everything I did and didn't do in my pregnancy. My OB said that unless I was a crackwhore, it wasn't my fault. But I know the blame game never truly ends, it just gets less frequent.