A year consists of 365 days. I always hear the saying "Gosh, time flies". In some ways, I totally see how time moves so quickly. Events come quickly, our kids seem to grow daily, anniversaries and birthdays and other holidays seem to roll around quicker each year. But, as a grieving parent, I can attest to you that time seems to move both quickly and so slowly at the same time. For us, 365 days marks another birthday, another holiday and another anniversary without our child. For us, 365 days, actually, equates to 8 years...,which is also 2, 920 days, that we have existed and lived through and with the death of our son, Collin. That number seems astronomical, because I remember every tiny detail about his birth, what he looked like, what he smelled like exactly 8 years ago. For anyone walking into our room, you wouldn't know that he wasn't a living, breathing baby boy. He was perfect. He had a head full of hair. He had perfect "Coloura" features. He was beautiful and exquisite, just like all our living and breathing children had looked at their births.
I decided to "title" this entry "Some days" because a grieving parent cannot pinpoint the precise emotion they feel from day to day. I've truly learned, throughout this journey, that the way I feel and relate to the rest of the world changes daily.
Some days....I'm truly pissed! Why did THIS happen to us? We did everything right!!
Some days....I feel guilty because MY body failed my son!
Some days.... I truly want to KILL or do harm to the doctor who caused my son's death. I want to scream at her, shake her and tell her that she should have listened to me.
Some days...... I just want to set this burden down. I want to delete it from my mind and just give myself a moment of "freedom".
Some days I want others to experience this...just so they KNOW how it feels. But, then I want to quickly "take it away" so they don't have to live with it, day in and day out.
Some days....I just want to shout it from the mountains that it is okay that I grieve and miss my baby boy. No amount of time will ever take that ache away.
Some days....I want to yell at those who walked away, judged us, shook their judgmental fingers at us and told us to "get over it".
Some days...I just want to GIVE UP! I just want to be with Collin. I am tired. I'm sad. I just don't want to do THIS anymore. But, then I remember all those who Collin wants me to live for.
Some days.....I cannot believe that I'm doing dishes, I'm sweeping my floor, I'm grocery shopping, I'm watching Game of Thrones while I'm living with the death of my baby. Gosh, THAT guilt lives with me. How could I possibly laugh, smile, do housework, etc while my son is buried in the ground. I won't lie....some days I literally have to pretend it didn't happen. And then, other days, I just want to crawl in a hole and stay there.
Some days...I thank God that some of my "so called" friends simply walked away. Good riddance! But, other days, it truly hurts. Some of them I've known since I was a young kid. I assumed they would "stick" with me, but then I see the true character of those around me.
Some days.....I feel honored to dive into the trenches with other grieving parents, but some days, it just rips off the scabs and opens up the wounds all over again.
Some days....I'm tired of fighting for his legacy. Who will do it when I'm gone? His name only exists on a piece of concrete. Once I'm gone, who will honor his birthday? Who will bring flowers?
Some days....I'm ANGRY and SO PISSED at God! Other day I am compelled to offer Grace and forgiveness. Although, those days feel limited at times.
Some days.....I wish I could turn back time. I want a redo. I want to demand the doctors deliver Collin on the night I went into the hospital with major concerns. But, then, would that ERASE Carson and Cannon? How could a mother possibly choose between her children?
Some day...I just want others to sympathize with the unfathomable, unrelenting, brutal pain of burying one of your children. I don't wish it upon you, but I just want you to stop and think about what it would be like for YOU to bury one of your babies. That's all!
Some days...I just wish you would STOP judging us for remembering, loving, missing, grieving, being angry about the death of our child.
Some days...I just want to sleep without experiencing nightmares about death. I want to experience happiness and not worry about burying another child. I don't sleep well. I never sleep without some sort of nightmare about another one of my kids dying.
Some days I just don't want to wake up anymore. It is just so tiring, emotionally and physically crippling and draining.
But, then I remember TOMORROW will be another day that a sweet baby or child will die and the parents will be lost, just as we were. But, I pray and HOPE, that maybe I can provide a little guidance, despite the turmoil and sadness I still feel every day.
I will NEVER sugar coat it. I will never minimize it. I will NEVER make it appear like "sunshine and daisies". It's NOT! It's hard work! It is minute by minute living. It's trying to find the one-great-thing every day to be HERE for! It's offering Grace! It's offering HOPE! It's trying to see the GOOD in every detail. It's finding your way....no matter how many turns, forks, dead ends you encounter. It's doing it YOUR way without acknowledging anyone elses's opinion.
Truly....I could go on and on and on. Even with all this...unless you have experienced the death of a child....it is truly something you cannot truly comprehend. Thank you for trying. Thank you for honoring my child. Thank you for being by my side. Thank you for giving me Grace when I'm angry and cantankerous.
Having said that....
.........what I really, truly, desperately want EVERY day...is my son, Collin Xavier, to be here on earth with us instead of celebrating his 8th birthday in Heaven. THAT, THAT! That is what I want....every...every...single day of my life and the rest of my days!
I love you so much Collin!!! Mommy and daddy WILL NEVER EVER forget who you are!
